Ardour
by dandylion05
Summary: War wages. Order casualties amount. Relationships change. And the tumultuous relationship between two old friends threatens the little stability left in the world. Rated T for now, though may change as story progresses. Eventual SLASH.
1. Prolouge

**ARDOUR**

**Prolouge**

A great black dog stood in the open doorway. Behind him the hallway had been recently decorated with shiny new paint. The smell of it lingered in the air. Before him the little flat was little more than a hovel. The other residents of the building complained ardently about the way that, for more than a decade now, it had lain empty and festering. But there was nothing to be done. It was owned outright by its former resident- and he was nowhere to be found.

"Until he is returned, I am afraid, it is illegal for us to so much as paint the front door, nevermind refurbish it and sell it on!"

All that was known for certain of the owner of the dirty little flat was his name: Mr Black. People had difficulty remembering his face, even those who had lived in the building during his time. Some were of the opinion that he had been the strange old man with the lovely, sleek black cat. Perhaps he had died and his family had neglected their small inheritence? Others were certain that Mr Black was the tearaway youth with the scruffy clothes and pretty little wife- no one ever understood how _he_ had ended up with _her_!

"I own," Mrs Gibbons declared any time the subject arose, "I own that their name was Black!"

The previous year there had been a popular rumour that _their_ mysterious Mr Black was the terrifying looking escaped convict frequently featured on the news. Was his name not Sirius _Black_? The dirty man with the thick, unkempt black hair and hollow eyes sent shivers down the spines of the residents, but wouldn't it be glamourous if he were to appear on their doorstep! And wouldn't it fit so nicely? Wouldn't it make sense that Mr Black hadn't done anything to his little flat because he had been in prison all this time?

It was an indulgent fantasy to them. Little did they know that they had cracked the mystery of Mr Black. The dog padded over the threshhold, his paws making distinct prints in the thick layer of dust coating the floorboards. The main room was fairly empty now, but for the moth eaten sofa and the old stove. The dog kicked the door shut with one of his hind legs and sniffed, checking if it were safe. The air around him contracted and he morphed smoothly from a scruffy dog into a skinny, dirty man- the very image of the escaped convict.

Sirius Black rolled his head, crunching his neck, and then made his way across the room to a door open ajar. He pushed it open gently and looked in at the dusty bed and chest of drawers, the spoiled and skanty curtains fluttering at the open window, the yellowing book still sitting on the bedside table. These were the things left from his old life, his sole posessions. Certainly he had money, and then there was that awful house that he had supposedly inherited, but those were not the things he craved, the marks of a life. A single book and a dusty bed didn't signify a fulfilled youth.

He sniffed again, but he could only smell dust and damp. These were ghost rooms now. He walked over to the window and looked out. Everything was different now. The other buildings in the street had been torn down as the surrounding area had been revamped. Sirius gazed out of the window and tried to connect these rooms to his past. He didn't hear the click of the front door, or the soft padding of feet crossing the floorboards. In fact he didn't notice anything until the footsteps reached the ever creaky floorboard by the foot of the bed. It was at that point that something connected, and Sirius was trasported back to a past mentality. Subconsciously he turned around, that playful smile on his lips, one hundred percent certain of who he was about to see.

He was wrong though, and jumped in shock as he saw who really stood on the creaky floor board.

"Oh my- you gave me the fright of my life!" he cried, pressing his hand to his chest.

"Sorry," a man in the dowdy robes, the intruder, laughed.

"So you found me..."

"I knew you would come here," the man lowered his eyes, only half-smiling now, "It's the only place with a connection to-"

"I know," Sirius turned back to gaze out the window, "I thought you were...but only for a moment. It was foolish of me."

They lapsed into awkward silence, eyes cast to the ground as they contemplated hurtful memories. The visitor carried a box which Sirius had failed to notice. Now, the visitor placed it softly on the bed, patting the lid lightly. Sirius looked at it without comprehension.

"Remus?" he questioned the other.

"I was very angry when you were arrested, as I'm sure you know, not just with you, but with myself. I came here in a...a blind rage and it was filled with all these things- pictures and letters and silly little notes that...that I know you remember. It was filled with life and I wanted to preserve that so I packed it all up before the Ministry could come and rip everything to shreds looking for evidence..." Remus faltered, unsure if he had done the right thing or not, "I thought that you might like them back now."

Sirius nodded and brushed his hand over the lid, his heart swelling. Gingerly, he opened the box and was struck by the colour of everything- the photos and notes, the colourful paper, the silly cards and drawings. He stroked a finger down one particular photograph, his face crinkling with sadness.

"Sirius, I'm so sorry," Remus said, resting his hand on top of Sirius's.

"Don't be," was Sirius's dismissive reply.

"You just spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime you didn't commit-"

"No, no you're right I amn't a Death Eater, and I didn't murder Wormy. But I meant to, and you very well know that there are other crimes on my conscience," he pulled his hand away.

"You can't keep blaming yourself for-"

"Yes I can," Sirius interjected, "It was, after all, my fault."

They were silent once more and stood staring straight into each other's eyes. This flat, this room- it was a time warp. It could easily have been thirteen years ago, they could easily be thirteen years younger, thirteen years more stupid, standing in that exact spot having the exact same conversation. Sirius looked at the box of mementos once more and felt no pleasure in seeing it there. It was all lies, the pretty colours, the happy smiles. He hadn't lived some sort of fairy tale and then suddenly, out of the blue, been thrown into prison. Things had been shit for a long time before that. He picked up the one picture he had stroked and stuffed it into the pocket of his robes.

"I'll keep that one," he said, "just to remind me of exactly what I ruined. It isn't a life in that box, Remus, or at least not my life. It's a few little moments when things were okay that are completly outnumbered, over-balanced by the awful and the horrible and the-"

He collapsed on the bed, his face crumpled in emotion. Remus hovered uncomfortably at his side, his own expression forlorn. He placed the lid back on the box and lifted it up. Casting his eyes back over Sirius once more, he retraced his steps to the bedroom door.

"Don't stay here too long," he spoke quietly, holding onto the door frame.

He lifted his hand away and saw words carved inexpertly into the wood.

_Rebecca Black was here _

And then in a different hand

_1960-1981._


	2. Never What It Seems

**A/N:** This fic will contain eventual slash, so you have been warned.

**Chapter One: Never What it Seems**

It was high summer in Britain. The sun held its head high in the sky all day, burning off any whisp of cloud with enough daring to show itself. The grass was wilting and dying, turning from lush green to a deadened brown. Wasps were in abundance, stinging little children covered in the sticky remnants of ice cream and crawling over the scorching windows of cars and buildings. It was weeks until they would start to die off. As the sun set, the sky blazed red and orange before settling into a formiddable black. It was then, and only then- once sight was impaired by the disappearance of the proud sun- that the Order of the Pheonix thought it safe to move.

There were several ways into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, though only one official entrance. Everyone had their favourite secret passage, and it was always a gamble as to whether or not the Death Eaters knew of your preferred way in. Being summer, Hogwarts was devoid of students- for the time being at least. Professor Albus Dumbledore, founder and leader of the Order, as well as Headmaster of Hogwarts, therefore thought it relatively safe to hold meetings inside the school. It was, after all, one of, if not the most, protected buildings in the wizarding world. And so it came to be that when the sun fell from the sky to light another part of the world, several witches and wizards began to travel to Hogwarts.

Remus Lupin's favoured method of entry was through his old haunt The Shrieking Shack. After all, the secret passage which ran from the shack directly into the Hogwarts grounds had been constructed especially for his arrival at Hogwarts eight years ago. He apparated from his home into the Shack itself, adorned in the best robes he owned- not that that was saying much- and travelled the underground walk-way without much thought. He imagined he could probably manouvre his way through it blindfolded if he had to, but at the same time hoped that the occassion would never present itself. He emerged from the ground at the roots of the enourmous, formidable Whomping Willow.

"_Immobulus!_" he exclaimed and the tree froze in mid-swing. He had seconds to spare before it actually would have attacked him.

He dusted down his robes, sighing as he noticed the threads once more coming loose. He looked up to the moon, currently a half cresent, an unreadable expression twisting on his lips before he swept off towards the castle which housed the school.

James Potter was lying low in the village of Hogsmeade. Behind him Hogwarts made an impressive silloutte on the night's sky, her turrets and spires reaching high to the heavens, gnarled and spindly. In front of him the lights of the flat above Honeyduke's sweet shop twinkled and glowed behind thin curtains. James adjusted himself in the hedge where he was crouched. It wasn't the most comfortable place to be, but it was absolutely worth it. He watched the lit window religiously, twitching slightly in anticipation. Eventually, the light diappeared and the whole building fell into complete darkness.

"_Expecto Patronum_!" he breathed, and a lean, silvery stag erupted from his wand. He whispered quickly to it, his eyes roaming the surrounding area for danger and then nodded at it. It shot through the sky in a sparkling blast. Seconds later there was a loud pop at his side and an exclamation of _'Ouch!_'

"Lily!" he beamed down at where the flame-haired Lily had materialised, landing painfully on her backside.

"James?" she reached out to where James was sitting, concealed by his trusty invisibility cloak and grabbing what could have been either a shoulder or a knee, "Is that you?"

James lifted the edge of the cloak and draped it over Lily so that she was both concealed from danger and able to see him. He smiled crookedly at her.

"Do we always need to use _this_ particular passage?" she complained, "I hate apparating enough without having to do it into a bush!"

She widened her big green eyes at James appealingly and he lovingly cupped her cheek, before whispering, "you know it's worth it."

Standing up was a farce. Hedges are not meant to be inhabited by anything as large as people, so that was hinderence enough without the added necessity of keeping the cloak draped over them both. After much elbowing of each other, the couple were eventually erect and moving across the street to the door to Honeyduke's.

"_Alohamora!" _Lily whispered, giggling slightly. The door swung open at the first try and Lily bit her lip at her own incredulousness.

Quietly, she and James nosied around the store, taking a little of this and a little of that- not so much as to draw attention to any intrusion, but enough to satiate their sweet teeth. James scooped a handful of Liquorise snaps and dropped them into Lily's bag, knowing they were a particular favourite of Dumbledore's. Once all their pockets were full to bursting and Lily's bag was heavy with sugar coated goodness, they headed for the trapdoor which led to the cellar. James went first, so that he could catch Lily. Just before Lily dropped after him she pointed her wand at the door and locked it again.

They travelled the secret passage leading from Honeydukes into the castle hand in hand, occassionally feeding each other some of their stolen sweet treats. Every so often the diamond ring on Lily's ring finger sparkled in the light from James's wand.

Never content to behave as others do, and always one to show off, Sirius tugged on his worn leather jacket and shoved his feet into his heavy duty, dragon hide biker boots. He cast his eyes around the grotty little apartment that was his current home and grinned. He loved his second hand loveseat, with the cigarette burns and the stuffing falling out. He loved the damp patches climbing up the peeling wallpaper. He even loved the way you couldn't walk barefoot without getting splinters from the ancient floorboards or risking losing a toe from the rusty nails secreted in various inconvenient locations. He swung open the creaky front door and gestured for his long-suffering, live in lover Rebecca to exit the flat first. He followed her, casually gesturing his wand at the door behind him by way of locking up before sticking it up his jacket sleeve.

Outside, in the dank little alley that the block of flats opened up onto, he climbed onto his most prised possession, his flying motorcycle. Rebecca climbed on behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her chin on his shoulder. Sirius squeezed one of her hands and made sure she was holding on tightly, then turned and smiled devlishly at her catty face before giving her a brief kiss. Then he turned back and revved his engine. Rebecca laughed and held on a little tighter. Sirius put his foot down and the motorcycle took to the dark London sky and flew north at an incomprehensible speed. Rebecca squealed with mingled fear and glee.

It was an hour before they were flying steadily above the vast expanse of the Forbidden Forest, and it was nothing even remotely resembling a steady, smooth ride. By the time Hogwarts was in site, Sirius could barely breath, Rebecca was holding onto him so tightly. He tried to say some comforting words to her, but his voice was lost in the speed and the wind, so instead he sped up in order to get her onto flat ground faster. This put the fear of God into her.

Eventually, however, they decended to the edge of the forbidden forest. Sirius extracted Rebecca's arms from around his waist and took in lungfuls of air, savouring the ability to breath again. They got off the motorbike and Sirius vanished it with a lazy swing of his wand, and then draped his arm around Rebecca's narrow shoulders. They sauntered idly up to the castle, as though they were strolling into a bar, not a meeting of the secret, anti-Voldemort organisation.

On their way up to the high, oak doors that were the entry and threshold of the castle, Rebecca let out an ear piercing shriek and staggered back, pointing at the base of the Whomping Willow. Sirius whipped out his wand and followed her line of vision. A wry smile sliced his face. A rat scurried to a particular knob on the Willow's trunk and prodded it with its tiny nose, so that it froze still. The air around him then rippled and the rat's shape started to grow and contort until a small, chubby, watery eyed man stood by the tree.

"Alright, Wormy?" Sirius asked, taking hold of Rebecca's hand absent-mindedly.

"Sirius," Wormy nodded, "Rebecca."

"Oh," Rebecca gasped, trying to regain some composure, "Hi there, Peter, I didn't realise it was you...sorry."

Sirius let out a raspy, barking laugh. "My God, woman, you gave me a fright. I turned around expecting to see Death Eaters ready to attack!"

Rebecca blushed crimson as Sirius wrapped his arm back around her, and the three of them walked together up to the castle.

They were the last to enter Dumbledore's office, the room where the meeting was being held. They knew it by the way that both Alistair Moody's human and magical eye turned to examine them on their arrival, and the stern look on Minerva McGonagall's face. Peter hurried for the free seat next to James, sitting proudly in it and waiting to be greeted by his old friend. James was otherwise occupied with standing up and banging fists with Sirius, who rolled his eyes and pulled his best friend into a bear hug. He then bent down and kissed Lily on the cheek.

"Remus," he said curtly, and patted his old friend on the shoulder a little awkwardly.

"Sirius," Remus replied, and then turned to nod at Rebecca who smiled shyly from under Sirius's arm.

They sat by Remus, but mostly because there was only one seat left. Rebecca perched herself self-consciously on Sirius's lap and slunk an arm around his neck to support herself. She could feel the tension coming off of the pair and, not for the first time, wondered what it was they had fallen out about. She had asked Sirius as many times, though mostly after an encounter with Remus. At school, they had always been together, particuarly throughout their Seventh Year when James had finally won the heart of his Lily. She knew, of course, that James was Sirius's closest friend, and that their friendship was strong enough to last a year, or a lifetime, of Lily coming first. But Sirius couldn't very well go around on his own, and he and Remus had become almost as close to Sirius as James had been, she'd noticed. She'd prided herself on keeping track of who was in his good, and not so good, graces. Nobody was going to tell her she was a bad girlfriend.

But school had finished for good, at least for them, last year and there quite suddenly seemed to be this rift between Sirius and Remus. And the severance between them wasn't healing. In fact, she was willing to believe, it was getting far, far worse. She sat uneasily and tried to pay attention to what Fabian Prewett was saying and not the rapid stream of thoughts running through her head.

Remus was overwhelmingly conscious of Sirius. His presence effected the very air in the room, filling it with that rustic scent and sending ripples of ego and tension. Yes, he was tense this evening. His back was rigid and he was drumming his fingers against the side of his chair. He was fidgetting one leg as well, and shaking Rebecca on his lap, but the poor girl daren't say anything. She had always been good at reading him. Too good, Remus thought, much too good. _I wonder if she knows_, he mused, _if she does, she's taken it awfully well_. He glanced sideways and watched the way she absentmindedly curled Sirius's black locks of hair around her little fingers as she gazed unseeingly at Fabian. She was thinking about something other than the meeting, he could tell that much, but she didn't seem stressed or upset by Remus's presence, so he could assume that she was still utterly clueless.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that.

James reached across and offered Remus a sweet from the mountain inside Lily's handbag. He picked a toffee. James stretched even further and Rebecca roused from her thoughts and took a strawberry cream, mouthing thank you. Sirius was still deep in thought and didn't notice the bag of treats being brandished at him. Rebecca shook him gently and muttered "baby," but to no avail. Sirius jumped as someone kicked him and he turned automatically to James.

"Ow!" he mouthed, reaching down awkwardly to rub his shin.

"It wasn't me!" James whispered back, "Here, have a sweet."

Sirius picked out a two toffees and glowered at James, popping one in his mouth and then resting a hand on Rebecca's thigh as James turned to offer a sweet to Peter.

Hah! Remus smirked to himself. Wow, that had felt good!

"Are any of you paying any bloody attention? This is important!" Moody snapped, and they were all forced to start listening, but the air around Remus and Sirius still buzzed.

--

It was late when Sirius eventually landed his bike back outside his little flat. James had coerced everybody into going for drinks in the Three Broomsticks and they had stayed til closing reminiscing about school and students they had once known. Sirius had been quiet, sitting on the periphery of the conversation, his arm draped over Rebecca's shoulders, sipping at his pint of ale lazily. It was unsettling, somewhat, to see him this way. He was usually the centre of every conversation. But instead tonight Rebecca had chatted, bonded he hoped, with his old school friends.

She had fallen asleep on the return journey so he carried her like a baby up the stairs and into the flat. He tucked her up under the layers of blankets on the creaky bed and tucked some stray hairs behind her ears and then stood for a while staring at her. The expression on his face was unreadable, sometimes verging on sad, other times flecks of anger were visible in the crease between his eyebrows. Time passed and eventually, with a sigh, he turned away from the bed and made his way to the window.

Now he stared at the moon.

There was peace in staring at the moon. It was definite, sure. It had its regular patterns, sometimes it was visible, othertimes not, but there was the reassurance that it was always there, present. Stability was the moon, and this was something which Sirius, flighty and unpredictable as he was, craved. The uncertainty of the world around him produced the greatest inherent need of stability possible in him. When he looked at the moon, he was calm. But when he looked at Rebecca he felt upheaval. She should have been his constant, but she was yet to make him feel like that.

"Sirius," he turned to see Rebecca staring at him from the bed, her eyes shining in the dark.

"Go back to sleep," he replied softly.

"Are you coming to bed?" she whispered, a quiver in her words.

She knew the answer.

"No," he said carefully, "I have to go out for a while. Go back to sleep."

He made his way to the door, his dragonhide boots thudding on the old, creaking floorboards.

"Please, Sirius," Rebecca whispered, her voice ever shakier, "Just come back to me."

He paused in the doorway, half looking over his shoulder.

"I can't right now."

"Why can't you?" there was a definite tremor now, and he knew that tears were dribbling down her lovely cheeks, "Why can't you love me, Sirius?"

She let out a wretched sob and covered her mouth to try and muffle the ones to follow. She buried her face in the lumpy pillow. Sirius was by her side now, rubbing her back and soothing her with careful words, murmuring in her ear, his lips against her damp hair.

"Of course I love you," he told her, turning her face towards his and catching her tears with his thumb, "Of course I love you."

He kissed her- tiny little ones catching her tears, the tip of her nose, her damp eyelids and then deeply on the lips. He made love to her and held her until she fell back into a thick but uneasy sleep. He then, quietly as he could, pulled his clothes back on and walked out of the flat.

In her dreams Rebecca thought she could hear the rumble of Sirius's motorbike, but this time she never awoke.


End file.
